Geplaatst: do okt 30, 2008 1:53 am
Jeetje, dat is niet zo mooi. Hopelijk is er een normale verklaring voor haar afwezigheid en gaat het goed met haar.
Beweging van ex-moslims, hun sympathisanten en humanisten
So, I am back... long time no speak...
I have not had internet access for a long time - but finally managed to get internet access the last couple of days and this time it will hopefully be permanent - unless I move to Antartica or something.
I have moved from Sydney - am living far far away.
Husband is due for court this week after having been arrested on assault charges (against me) and let out on bail (where he got the money is beyond me). I hope he pleads guilty - oh god I so hope he pleads guilty... I do not want to have to see him in court - the thought is terrifying. And what do I do? Go in without my hijab on? That will infuriate him to no end. I can imagine all his friends will be there. And I will be branded a kafir and have my head on the line.
Fucking stupid [email protected]$$#%^^...
I wish he'd go back to his country & marry his cousin like he'd mentioned to me. Fuck him, I don't care how many women he gets with - just leave me the fuck alone!
Oh, good news, I've got my own place... in a weeks time that is! A two bedroomed house - NO MORE SAFEHOUSES!!!!! Yayayayayay!!!
I now go out with short sleeved shirts and dresses that go to my knees and jeans ect... I've been told I am rather attractive!!! (hey boys check me out!)lol :D
I am putting on weight. Not sure how much I weigh at the moment - but I am definitely getting fatter - I can tell because (a) I'm eating breakfast most mornings compared with before never eating breakfast or lunch blah blah blah, and (b) my stretch marks are less visable due to my tummy filling out a little more.
I want another baby. Crazy I know. But my son is one years old next week. He isn't a baby any more. He took his first step the other day. Now I am the mother of a toddler and a preschooler. No baby. :(
Oh, I've had my first taste of alcohol... I first had rum - and it was gross... yuck! But then I had vodka cruiser - and man that was great! Got almost drunk on it (I was giggling and laughing and just felt great - but I still had control over my own senses & didn't do anything stupid) and slept excellantly after that experience. The next morning I felt a little yuck though - but that was cleared up with a shower and a good breakfast. Alcohol for me is definitely something I'd have every now and again but not all the time. Maybe once a fortnight or month - and I don't ever want to get so intoxicated that I become drunk.
Oh - did I tell you all???
I got a tattoo! On my buttock. A beautiful unicorn. Really beautiful. Now I would like to get blue roses down my thighs & a mermaid on my other buttock in the same colours as the unicorn... ok, not now, but some day when I've got enough time to go down to a tattoo parlour to get it done.
There are lovely yellow daisies growing on the streets here - I go out early in the morning at about 6 or 7 am and pick bunches and put them in jars in the bathroom next to the sink and on the dining table and on my dresser in the room I'm sleeping in here. I love flowers - and I figured seeing as I don't want to spend money at a florist - why not pick my own wild-flowers and create my own bunches of beauty... they so brighten up my day seeing these gorgeous boquets smiling at me while I wash my hands after the toilet & when I sit down to eat with my children at the table.
I've been reading this chilling book Blood Stain a true story set here in Australia in Abirdeen - about a woman who butchered her boyfriend and skinned him and beheaded him and cooked his head and served him up for his children to eat. Chilling. Absolutely chilling. I couldn't believe it when I first started reading the book - I thought, no way, how could this happen here in Australia???... can't be true! but it is.
The stories you hear as you live in refuges. A woman whose husband took a hammer to her and she lives with scars to her face to tell the tale. Another woman whose husband stabbed her face while trying to kill her while under the influence of speed. A woman who was forced to undergo being tattooed by her husband and another with her teeth knocked out. Women who go through so much. And the weird thing is the common theme of it all - these women say, "But it wasn't really that bad you know. It's not as bad as what some people have to go through. What you went through is alot worse than what me and such and such ever had to go through... ect..." and on and on it goes. Denial. I see it in myself. I think, but he never did that to me, so it can't be that bad... Me too mate, me too. Every case is unique - but so similar. He might rape you - but never strangle you. Or he might jab you with knives to get you to "behave" - but never actually destroy any of your belongings. He might spit in your face and scream abuse at you - letting you know how worthless you are - but never actually lay a hand on you. He might control every second of your time - getting angry because you came back a minute too late, "Who were you with?" he might ask - but this same man hasn't ever made your young child hit you in the face to punish you. There are many different ways to abuse someone. Every way has it's own potency and injury. Every way hurts and is as bad as the others. Every single form of abuse serves the same purpose - to degrade you and to keep you in the abusive relationship where he can keep abusing you and exercizing control over you.
I thought all that time that what he did wasn't that bad. I deserved. It was only a couple of punches, I didn't actually bleed... Hey I'm still alive so it wasn't really that bad. He said he loved me, so what am I complaining about. And on and on it goes... until you realize that that is what he wants you to believe - that you don't deserve better... that you don't deserve to be treated with respect.
I have lately been feeling angry. And for the record I hate feeling angry. Anger frightens me. Feeling angry frightens me. But it just keeps bubbling up. How dare he have treated me like that!!! I even wrote a letter in my diary the other day to him, expressing my outrage at how he has been towards me and my children. I think this is a step in the healing journey. I think this is the path towards becoming free. Anger is not the problem in life - anger is a healthy emotion to have - but it needs to be dealt with and allowed to be expressed in an appropriate fasion. Writing that letter - that was not and will not be sent was an appropriate way to express my anger at what he did to me, and I felt so much better after doing that. I think I feel safe enough at the moment to finally feel angry towards him.
Really, I should've felt angry every time he busted my lips up. Every time he forced me. Every time he put me down in front of my daughter. Every time he made me do things I was not comfortable with doing.
I would like to learn a few good arabic swear words, and the day he goes to jail for the assault towards me (if he goes to jail for the assault he did to me that is) I would love to say them to him... basically to say, "Fuck you for all you've done to me"... kind of thing. Basically make his day suck so bad - that the wife who he degraded time and time again - who he swore at in both arabic and english - who he taught his daughter to say, "Ibn Kelb" to - that this wife of his stood up and gave him some verbal crap like he'd done all those years - and in his own lanuage...
Mind you, I don't think the judge would like such an action...
So I probably should refrain from the arabic bad lanuage eh?
Oh, I can't believe I've just said all that in "public", how embarrassing, yeah, I know, so OK, my thoughts aren't always pure...
Oh well, enjoy the frankness I just spewed out over the page! Maybe next time I'll put it in the private collection lol!
Ta ta for now,
Friday, November 14, 2008
He went to court & managed to get it postponed 'till next week.
His friends emailed me today & said the loveliest of things.
I am confused. Want to cry. Not sure what to make of it all. They want me to call them, email them, see them.
I'm just so confused.
How do I know he didn't put them up to this? And at this point in time??? I know how they feel about all of this - so why are they being so nice to me when they have very definite opinions on all of this... they were my friends, who do I trust?
It hurt so much receiving those emails. Hurts because I know I cannot answer them. Hurts because I am not sure what is the agenda behind them. Hurts because the memories come tumbling down over me when I am trying to fight them off. Hurts.
It hurts because I feel like a big meany not answering their emails when they say that they love me and care for me and want the best for me & the kids... hurts.
Hurts because I know that if I were to answer them, the pressure would be on...
It would be a way for him to know more... and I would not be safe.
Oh well, talk about a good day feeling crap when you open the inbox.
Made some delicious eggs & toast today! Hmmm... oh man it was devine! Tonight I'm going to indulge myself with a cheese cake... and then I'm going to watch Sliding Doors or something light or other and then I'm going to sleep.
Tomorrow is packing for the move day... and Sunday too... and Monday too... Hey! I've got to be organized don't I??? :D I was given a dolls house for my daughter yesterday - so I'm keeping it a secret for her until we move into our own place so it'll be a big surprize for her when she gets to see it!!!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
I am blank tonight.
Not because I can't think of anything to write... but rather because what I wish to express is too painful, too emotive, too explicit to write down any where.
I feel like the drowning man in a violent sea of perpetual anguish and torment. I wish to scream until breath evades me.
But as I said... what I am feeling is too strong an emotion to expose to anything... I am afraid the paper, computer, whatever will melt before the magna of deep anguish seething within.
I cannot sleep. Instead I sit on here typing and listening to Watershed. I spent an hour earlier drawing. That did nothing for me except allow some pent up sadness spew forth onto paper.
Had horrible nightmares last night. Dreamt I was in my own home in my bed & that he was coming through the door and I started to panic in my dream... I didn't want to see him again, afraid of him, scared... everything going back to the way they were. I woke up in a cold sweat and jolted upright. He wasn't there. Just me and my kids in this refuge. Safe. I went back to sleep and had more night mares. Nightmares. Nightmares. Nightmares.
Those emails really caught me off guard. I knew they'd email me again sooner or later - so why get so upset by them? And they weren't your friends regardless of how much you wanted them to be your friends as you had no friends of your own and weren't allowed to make any friends except those women he permitted you to socialize with. They didn't help you leave him. They do not support you in your decisions. They wanted you to stand by him. Hold the family together even though our family was a toxic enviroment for our children to grow in... and no matter how hard you tried to fix everything up and make it all right, he'd come home every night with a different agenda. A different dream. Little mujahid instead of children to nuture. Someone to blame and hurt when he was angry instead of someone to sort the problems out together with. A place to plot the destruction of the kuffaar, instead of a place to nuture his children into becoming good citizens.
My son's umbilical hernia has become quite red the last few days. Don't know why. I think if it gets any more infected looking - I'll be taking him to the doctor pronto. The umbilical hernia still hasn't fallen off even though he is almost one years old.
Counting the days until we move into our own place.
Hope everything is ok in the end.
Have a great night for everyone who is currently or about to experience the night!
It's so easy to forget the things you go through... so easy to "forgive and forget", excusing the wrongs, pretending they don't exist... just surviving and acting as though what you go through is perfectly normal. Because it is too painful to admit otherwise.
I was talking to one of the other residents yesterday & I remembered how he had the rule that I was not allowed to talk in the lounge room or the kitchen because it was right next to the front door and his "logic" behind the rule was that he didn't want men passing by to be seduced by my voice. How ridiculous - and I can remember when he first introduced this rule that I laughed and said that (a) people rarely pass by our door and (b) my voice is not going to seduce anyone and (c) why should I be made to keep quiet???... He didn't battle the commonsense I put forth - but instead insisted on the rule - telling me to just shut up, keep quiet, and do as he'd say and we'd have no more troubles in our marriage. Oh, of course it turned into a fight. He lectured me on how our marriage had problems because (a) I didn't respect him the way a wife should respect her husband and (b) I didn't obey him straight away (which by the way I tried my best to do - but rarely succeeded due to the strenuous demands on me) and (c) if I just became a better muslim... everything would be solved! He hit me so many times when he'd start going off at me in the lounge room or kitchen and I'd try to defend myself - he'd be extra angry because "the men can hear your voice!"... I felt like a silent dummy - to be commanded at, yelled at, coerced - but not allowed to speak.
He blamed his anger on me. God! I tried so hard to make him happy. I tried so hard. So bloody hard. But the food wasn't right, or he'd yell, "How many times do I have to tell you not to put the towels in the bathroom?!" and then he'd come and jab me in the face... and then when I'd put the towels on the door to the bedroom instead he'd be angry because I couldn't get his towel & hand it to him through the door quick enough (hey - I've got two kids - it's hard to just "drop" everything and run)...
Will I ever stop feeling like this? Will I ever be over all of this and just like normal people are? I don't want to think about him. I don't want to feel like screaming and crying all at the same time. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and this horrible nightmare of a life to be over. Where are all the good men? Married probably. Stupid idiot I was marrying like I did. The problem is that there were some good times too you know, like when he'd say he loved me, or would come up behind me while I was cooking and just put his arms around me and when he'd be in a good mood and smiling. Then I'd feel like I was in heaven. But just like that things would change and he'd become horrible and angry and wouldn't talk to me for days, sometimes even weeks except to demand things and just come home and hit me out of nowhere and yell at me and force me ect...
Anyways, battery's about to go out on my pc - so really I should go and try again to sleep.
My apologies for my outburst!
I_believe schreef:Oke, hij is een moslim dus is het logisch dat deze man zijn vrouw mishandelt?
Nee, dan denk je inderdaad op een erg hoog niveau na. Gaat mijn petje te boven.
Want niet gelovigen slaan hun vrouwen niet.
Even zomaar een quote uit de bijbel...Ariel schreef:I_believe schreef:Oke, hij is een moslim dus is het logisch dat deze man zijn vrouw mishandelt?
Nee, dan denk je inderdaad op een erg hoog niveau na. Gaat mijn petje te boven.
Want niet gelovigen slaan hun vrouwen niet.
Waar lees je dat I_believe?
Deze vrouw vertelde hoe haar leven met een moslim was. Geloof jij haar niet? Ik kan je verhalen vertellen van Nederlandse vrouwen die het zelfde meegemaakt hebben.
In Islam is de man nu eenmaal de baas. Zo werkt dat. Hij is de voogd over zijn vrouw, en in de Koran en de Hadith wordt ongehoorzame vrouwen slaan aangeraden.
Als niet gelovige mannen hun vrouw slaan. ( die zijn er namelijk ook) dan kan hij zich op geen enkel boekje beroepen. Deze niet moslim meneer is dan gewoon een engerd die geen vrouw verdiend en gestraft wordt als ze hem pakken.
grappig dat er ter verdediging ALTIJD wordt gewezen naar de bijbel.I_believe schreef:
Even zomaar een quote uit de bijbel...
Deut 13:6-10: Een man moet zijn dochter, vrouw, zoon of vriend slaan vanwege een verschil in religieuze meningen.
Het nieuwe testament is wat "softer" met het oude testament staat vol met geweld e.d. net zoals de koran.
Maar je zou verwachten dat de mensen zelf ook wel een beetje logisch na kunnen denken...
Beide geloven hebben mindere dingen en beide geloven hebben ook goede dingen, at least that is what i think of it.
Allereerst, ik ben geen moslima. Dus heel dat stukje waarin je refereert naar "jullie" klopt niet. Ik bekijk verhalen altijd van 2 kanten thats all.Ruth schreef:grappig dat er ter verdediging ALTIJD wordt gewezen naar de bijbel.
Kan een moslim zich niet verdedigen met normale argumenten? 't Is zo jammer dat jullie daarvoor altijd de christelijke bijbel nodig hebben..... ja maar bij hullie is het allemaal nog erger.
Het probleem is gewoon heel simpel I_believe, in islamitische landen is vrouwenmishandeling een vaak voorkomend feit. Dat vrouwen zichzelf in brand steken doen ze niet voor de lol maar enkel om aan hun aardse hel te ontsnappen. En met die hel bedoel ik hun man/schoonfamilie.
In het Westen komt dit ook te vaak voor maar in tegenstelling tot de cultuur in islamitische landen is een vent die hier zijn vrouw mishandeld een misselijk loser. In islamitische landen is het een vent die voor zijn eer opkomt en wordt het dus stilzwijgend geaccepteerd.
En nu verplaatst deze ellende zich naar het westen. Naieve bekeerlingen die een smoorverliefd trouwen met een moslim en tegen klappen aan lopen, importbruiden die worden uitgehuwelijkt en regelmatig blauwe plekken oplopen, eerwraak. Dit vrij nieuwe fenomeen is dankzij de islam hier, daarvan kun je de bijbel geen schuld geven.
Altijd maar weer die jijbakken! Bah! Er komt inderdaad veel geweld voor in het Oude Testament, maar dat is nog niet hetzelfde als geweld verheerlijken. Bovendien beslaat de Bijbel een paar duizend jaar (deels gefingeerde) geschiedenis terwijl de Koran het getuigenis is van een enkele gek. Zo kun je natuurlijk elk geschrift van elke sekteleider met de Bijbel vergelijken. Er is trouwens ook nog een groot verschil tussen een boek waar geweld in voorkomt en een boek dat aanzet tot haat. Wat dat betreft is de Koran vaak vergeleken met Mein Kampf. Ook in dat boek wordt aangezet tot haat, terwijl er eigenlijk nauwelijks of geen geweld in voorkomt. Overigens komt in het gros van de wereldliteratuur geweld voor (ook in Donald Duck) zonder dat dat een probleem is. Gewelddadige teksten en haatdragende teksten zijn echt verschillende zaken. Je kan het overigens zelf controleren, want de Koran staat op internet:I_believe schreef:...BEIDE geloven hebben een behoorlijk aantal verzen waarin geweld wordt verheerlijkt.
Ik heb dit soort argumenten (jijbakken) al zo vaak gehoord en ze doen me niet zo veel. Ik vind een vergelijking van de Bijbel met de Koran gewoon onzin om de redenen die ik genoemd heb! Ik wordt zo langzamerhand trouwens doodziek van al die jijbakken.Aldebaran schreef:Bijbel en Koran doen niet veel voor elkaar onder.